A journal entry to God to help put words to the seasons of devastation and the hope of new life to come for you who are journeying on the same path of becoming. You are not separated from Him… He has come close.
Father God,
I look around me and all I see is devastation of what I have known life to be. I experience the shame of not being able to hold all the pieces together. You told me to let go, but the truth is, I do not know how. You set a wildfire into motion. Before passion can be restored, I must watch things burn… to listen to the idols in my heart scream as you blow on the embers so they are eradicated in your glorious holiness. You long to make my thoughts, desires, and motives pure. Out of this place, restore passion to my soul… and not for my glory, but for Yours.
I look around and I sometimes get angry because of my lack of understanding why You would do this to me.
But I remember… it was a sunny day about two years ago when You captured my heart through the singing of a bird, the cool air, and the sun soaking on my skin. I could feel Your presence and had a glimpse of Your love for me and I yearned deeper to experience You more. I asked You, “Blow on the embers of my heart. I want You to be my first love again.” I saw this going different, but my humanity bends me in the direction of putting expectations on my asks of You. Forgive me…
We have been walking through countless loss, overwhelming grief, and excruciating brokenness. In all of it, I have lost ”me”. Even deeper, I have felt like I lost You. And so, like a 3 year old little girl, I did not have words to make asks of You… so I drew You a picture. One small little leaf emerging from the soil to tell You that if You could put just one seed of righteousness in me… and if that one seed could be come a forest… that would be enough in this life.
I did not know what I was asking for… again.
The wind began to blow and caused the rocks of my heart to split… you loosened the hard soil of stubbornness. Oh God, please break me and cause me to choose humility. May shame and pride die in me. A series of events caused me to feel out of control… and I must confess, I clung to my man-made safe spaces. You continued with Your mercy to not give up on me in this place. I easily deserved for the rocks to crush me, but You allowed me stand in Your presence. Although I began to feel disoriented by life, You stood me up to see You.
The soil of my heart shook… a sifting of sorts. The ground needed to be turned over. Loss after loss after loss. I have begged You to stop because the pain was unbearable. Shame tells me that I cannot submit to You— I am too unlovable for that type of grace on my life. I have learned that shame wants me to see Your shaking as something that disintegrates my life. However, Love would tell me that this separation is for new life to come— just like how You split the waters at creation so that new life could be birthed.
The vegetation of my heart began to feel the heat. I heard the crackling of the raging fire to come. You would take that which is most precious to me. You love me too much to keep my most sacred love in the place that would steal Your favor on my life for the future. Through tears and sobs, I said to You in utter surrender, “Let it burn.”
(Silence at the aftermath of devastation and Your whisper to come)
I have not arrived to a “happy ending”. That would be too easy and that is not why I started following You in the first place. Hope tells me a future is coming from the wildfire. After what I have deemed devastating, You would deem necessary… loving… and purposeful. It is after a wildfire where life springs forth quicker. Wildflowers fill the fields immeasurably. An expression of unmeasurable mercy and love. Trees grow at rapid rates because of the nutrients of the soil. What a gracious God You are that You would nourish the soil of my heart in a way that would produce a greater life that is to come.
This hope only leads me to believe that You heard my hidden prayer of asking You for righteousness. Asking You for a forest. I can see just a little more clearly today that You are making all things work for my good and Your glory.
Burn deeper and shine brighter in my life, Father.
By Grace,
Me
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