He ran as fast and as hard as he possibly could into the wilderness. Physically drained and breathing in the dirt that feet and circumstance tend to kick up during chaos and confusion. With sweat on his brow, he sat under a tree, panting and searching for some sort of relief in his soul. A deep ache for rest that never truly goes away in the human heart. The ache that deeply groans for the Creator to settle the dust beneath our feet. More so, to silence the toil in the garden of our souls.
And running is what he wanted to do. It was the choice he had made. Elijah was a gifted runner and this time, he was running for his life. I, too, have the capacity to run marathons away from issues. In our human condition, our flesh is made up with the fabric that runs, hides, and isolates. Somewhere in the thread of it all, God weaves Himself into our stories and places Himself in the moments where we think no one can find us.
That is where Jesus found me though... at 28 years of age, I was running from everyone who had hurt me and from everyone whom I had hurt. I was hiding from what I wanted to be my past, but was my present. I did not want to admit who I had become because the fear of losing the identity that had been created for me would be far more crushing than stepping into truth. I had spent 12 years of my life being fed spoon fulls of lies everyday from my abuser in the "Name of Jesus". Denying it and walking away from all of it meant that I had to believe that I had been deeply deceived, manipulated, and betrayed. I would have to admit how much my soul had been fragmented.
I wasn't ready for that. I was not ready to feel so foolish. So I ran... and I hid... and I isolated. An opportunity opened up for me to spend the summer in West Texas before fully transitioning to Seattle. But before I got to a place where the scenery is majestic all year long, God was going to bring me to a place where life moves a little slower and everything is a bit more still other than tumbleweeds. It was there that Jesus found me. It was there that I began a life of full surrender to the Him.
God is gracious to His people in the desert (or the wilderness, I shall say). It is the place where He is stern in His kindness, correcting the soul's raging torrents of unbelief and pride, leading those He loves into repentance. He brings His people by the brooks and streams to feed what their souls are truly longing for--rest. It is in His mercy and righteousness that He tests the heart and it's motives. There eventually comes the pruning that is painful and He takes out of the life what is necessary. But the proverbial rains come sooner or later to bring a flood that washes away the cycles and patterns of impurity. And then, when you least expect it...new growth. A simple bud that sprouts forth. But without the desert (a proverbial desert), where else would be so isolating that we would feel safe enough to run thinking we had escaped our problems?
The desert is where I saw the eyes of Jesus. I still have yet to see anything more consuming, more beautiful, and more serious in all of my life. If you are running, this blog is for you. I was not planning on writing a blog with this content in this season, but this is for you. You are living with deep regret and shame... another person is living with hatred and bitterness and you refuse to forgive... and to whoever you are, you have not been faithful to your spouse and you are running. It is time to "be still" (Ps 46:10). In the Hebrew, "be still" means to "let go, surrender". I pray that from His glorious riches that you will have the strength to let go and surrender the place that is causing you to run. I pray that God's grace will lead you into His wilderness so that He will make Himself known to your heart. I ask that His light will shine upon the shadows of your heart so that you can faithfully walk in obedience into His marvelous light. May He speak tenderly to the places that fear and are so deeply wounded. May He be exalted and His Name be the only Name that you call upon.
Changed Because of the Wilderness,
By Grace,
Cortney Rae