Motherhood...
A word that can either strike fear, joy or even both in most women. I have sat across the table from many women who have or are struggling their way through infertility. I have a dear friend who walked infertility for a few years and for me to say that the road is excruciating does not do it justice.
There will be times on this blog that I open up and talk about some of the greatest tensions that I live in on a day-to-day basis. Reason being is that you are no different than me-- you have your areas too that you would rather not talk about. This is one of those. It is a subject I speak very rarely about. I feel the twinges of pain at the lack of having my own flesh and blood, and I also sit hesitantly in all of the questions. Bracing myself for the next run away thought to either sting or make me hope; it is one of those areas that Satan never got to touch throughout my story. But I must say, all of the areas that surround the place of motherhood in my heart were greatly effected. I sit in the tension of knowing that nothing is a lost cause along with waiting on the Lord's timing and will. This can cause a heart to somehow live in the coexisting presence of gratitude and grief.
Over the past two years, I have spent my time around some of the most incredible college students. Our church has a discipleship program that is fully accredited through Southeastern University. These students get to work on a degree while following a discipleship program ran by Jeff and Kristin Thorp. By God's grace, I find myself being placed in positions to help teach, disciple, and spend time with these students. Simply put, where my heart finds itself most afraid has been put into the hands of these young men and women.
In this time, God has called me into a "mothering season". I have come to learn that the next generation is in dire need of spiritual mothers and fathers. They are in need of people to help restore their faith back into family, those who will tell them the truth that will nurture their soul rather than add fuel to the fire of rejection, neglect, and abandonment. They need people to see them over the phone that is in their face and someone to invite them into conversation. They get a lot of people who talk at them... but very rarely do they have a space to give their thoughts. Maybe that is why they spend so much time on social media... it is their platform to be creative and to have a voice.
As I spend time with these young men and women, I am reminded consistently of God's grace on my life. If it weren't for grace, I would not be in this space. I need them just as much as they need me. I may not need the same things as they do in my journey with Jesus, but one thing is for sure... they are all a symbol of God allowing me to mother in an unconventional way. So no, I do not get to change diapers, run kids to soccer practice, get tackled by hugs at night, and miss showers because little people demand my time. But what I do get to do is listen to immense heart break and joy, stand in the gap where there has been a wounding, pray a lot, drink a ton of coffee, catch tears, see confusion and let questions hang in the air, etc.
The gratitude and grieving truly live in the same space with one another. I could never be anymore grateful for the students that have brought the mother-part of my heart back to life. But as I wait, there is a little girl that I see in the corners of my mind. She may not be my own flesh and blood, but that will not make her any less of my little girl when that time comes if the Lord wills.
Naomi is her name.
By Grace,
Cortney Rae