Valentine's Day. I am not a fan of Valentine's Day.
First off, I hate doing things that everyone else is doing. I love being an individual and creating my own rhythm to my own drum... and not just any drum. A drum that I have created on my own as well. Falling in line with social norms makes me die a slow and painful death. Okay, that may be dramatic but there is a part of me that feels so incredibly uncomfortable when I am doing what everyone else is doing.
If you are like me, you want to be loved intentionally and authentically. You do not want to have to tell anyone your needs or wants because they should just know... unfortunately, it does not work this way. My unsaid expectations usually cause friction in my relationships.
I have been in process over the past month discovering that I have a deep root of self-rejection. From that root comes layers of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and fears. Let me shine a little light on the situation that made my heart erupt into a huge emotional volcanic mess.
A few weeks ago, I was waiting for an interview. As I sat there, I had many thoughts racing in my mind that I was not even aware of. Like loose cannons, they were firing off one by one and creating a cloud of debris. By the time the gentleman doing the interview walked over to me, I felt no confidence in myself. I felt shaky and unsure. This then led me to resort back to how I had always operated growing up-- false confidence. Most would say, "Cortney, you are so confident and calm." Yes, there are places in me that have embraced God's voice and I believe who He says I am. However, in other moments, I just want to say, "I have you fooled, sucka! Because right now, I want to hide!"
The interview began to unfold and it was the worst interview of my life!! I felt exposed and I felt as though every place in me that is insecure was screaming. This was the absolute worst place for my deep rooted sin to be exposed. However, often times, the Lord does not allow things to stay clean, cut, and dry. We do not just sit in our rooms in silence with our Bibles opened up to the exact scripture we need to hear, one tissue on hand just in case the Holy Spirit wants to tell us all the good things about ourselves. And God forbid we begin to shed our one tear because we are so thankful.
Wrong, ghost rider.
Our mess is just that...messy. And most of the time our mess comes out in places that are unexpected and in ways that are not planned. I walked away from that interview feeling so incredibly rejected. But here is what I have learned over the past few weeks from that interview. I place self-rejection on myself before anyone else has time to make the decision either to accept me or reject me. Now, there are many reasons and layers of how this root was dug into the depths of my heart and we do not have time to have a counseling session, but I do appreciate your time for being willing to be a sound board. But this had to begin somewhere. The sin and brokenness had to be exposed in due time. I personally would have loved for Jesus to come to me when no one else was looking, but let's be honest, He often times comes to us in the mundane of life's experiences.
Like you, I am perfect when it is just me. Begin adding others to the mix and it is their leaven that destroys what I think is so perfect! Or maybe if we are truly honest, others press the worst in us to come out so that God can heal and redeem what has been hiding.
And this is why I am not fond of Valentine's Day. It feels like pressure to tell someone you love them. It feels like expectation instead of genuine words and actions. I want to know that those around me who see my worst love me on the days when I am working through the hard things. I want those who bring out the best in me to speak into my life when God specifically tells them to. I do not want fluff. I do not want obligation. I want pure relationship with those who see me. I want to know that I am seen on the days that I am hiding...not on a day when flower companies tell you to look and remember someone.
More importantly, I am learning that the way in which I want others to love me is how I want God to love me. That He sees me as He sees the sparrow looking for food and a branch to perch up on. I want to believe that He does not need a reminder from someone to tell me what He thinks about me. That His unfailing love is willing to bind up the dark places in my life where people's words and actions cut through the places in me that were already rejected in my sinful nature to begin with. I want to believe that I belong and not just on the outskirts of the temple. I want to know that when He says "Come to My throne boldly", that His Spirit would help my feeble feet walk into the presence of the goodness of God. That I would feel and know that I am fully accepted in Christ Jesus and not to trade fig leaves to cover up what is so desperately hurt in me.
By God's grace, I got the job that day. Believe me, just because I got the job, that did not soothe the wounds that had been exposed. This year, my unexpected Valentine's name was rejection. However, without the invitation to engage a familiar foe who has acted like a friend of mine, I could not write to you today. I am thankful that Jesus exposes the things we so easily flirt with to comfort us. Some of you have been rejected by people, companies, schools, family, and just life in general. As someone who is in process in my own journey, I have had those moments too. I am having to backtrack to those moments because that is where lies about God's goodness have crept in and festered. If you are like me, some of those places can be too hard to go back to because we do not know if He will be there to tell us the truth. We do not know if He will show up at all.
But He is honest, friend. According to the Bible, He cannot lie (Heb 6:18). He neither sleeps no slumbers (Ps 121:4). He will not leave or forsake (Heb 13:5). In my experience, His light, truth, and love has set this captive free.
By Grace,
Cortney Rae
P.s. Happy post-Valentine's Day (just to be different)