Vulnerability is hard and it can be easy at the same time. There is a cost and there is a reward. It pulls us back and it launches us forward. The great tension of vulnerability allows us to walk in peace and creates a space that allows us to fail. It brings us back to the hard truth that we so desperately spend our time, money, and energy on denying. The hard truth that we are human...fragile...that our skin rips and tears, wrinkles and ages...and even deeper, that our hearts are continuously in need of a love that cannot be given by human hands or hearts. The sweet dripping of encouragement and consoling is no match for the great mystery of the Lover of our souls and deep down, we long for Eden. We long to walk with God in the cool of day without feeling the deep shame that we have carried for so long. Our souls long to be known...deeply and intimately known. Every part of our "Eden heart" awaits in angst for our God to walk into the lowest moments of our life--the moments of moral failure, death, loss, trial, and pain. And what do we long to hear? I truly believe it is our name surrounded in a love that echoes with conviction. We long to hear God call out to us that He still knows us.
Have you ever heard a parent say your name with love and conviction? They say your name without hesitation, abandonment, or fear. They are proud that you are their child no matter what you have done or said. I think many of us, because of our early Evangelical roots in America, were taught that God shakes His finger out of wrath and disappointment at us. We can hardly even imagine that He would say our name in love. We hear anger or we have believed that He is distant and cold unless He is judging us. However, there is another doctrine, because of how far the pendulum has swung, that believes that God is far from discipline, structure, and order. That you can do whatever you want because "grace" says that you will be forgiven. What this shows to me is that there have been many generations who have been far from being fathered by God. We have spent more time putting Him in a box that says, "He is holy and rages at sin" and we have preached the turn or burn method. On the other hand, people have wanted to ease their guilt and fear and they have taken an excessively long bath in water that is lukewarm, call it love, and mistake it for the ravaging grace that does not allow us to stay the same. Both doctrines do not have the fruit of righteousness. It leads to more bondage in our faith and our identity.
We long to be fathered. We long to be chosen over and over again. We desire deep, extravagant, and close intimacy with a God who is all just, merciful, holy, full of love, gracious, long suffering, and who sees every atom of our being. We were made by Him, through Him, and for Him and to say that we do not want His love is denying that the created was made for and by the Creator. Our sinful nature rejects God, but our inner man longs for Him. We long for the shame to die. The doubt to dissipate. The worry to cease. The grieving to stop. But even more than that, I believe that we have a desperation to be vulnerable and to not be rejected when we are.
Jesus says, "Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word of God." As I have studied this scripture, I believe this says something to us about what is going on deep inside of us. Jesus had been fasting for 40 days in the wilderness with no food and no water along with being completely alone. The only one who would meet with Jesus would be the accuser, the devil. Jesus would be driven out into the wilderness to be tempted. It was either, feed the flesh or deny the flesh. Our flesh desires to be fed by power, status, food, sex, and anything that we can get our hands on. Jesus denied every thing that our flesh craves. His spirit longed for more and He knew that...it longed for God the Father. In one of His most vulnerable moments of his humanity, He longed for the word of His Father to sustain Him. He denied His own power and rebuked the devil's temptation and offering. He stripped Satan's thought of power and exposed his tactic: get Jesus to look at what his flesh craves and use scripture against him to fall prey to what his flesh wants. Satan's tactic will always be for us to feed our own flesh even if he has to use scripture against us to do that. It is all about self. It has nothing to do with God's will. That is why fasting exposes our deepest desire. When we fast from the thing that is either sustaining us (food or drink) or we fast from that which comforts or numbs us, we find that there is actually something deeper in us that longs for the Living God--the Bread of Life and the Living Water. Fasting allows vulnerability to surface because we recognize how desperate and needy we are. It gives us eyes to see what is really going on deep inside of us. If your flesh is crying out for something, there is often times something going on deeper inside of you. Feeding your flesh with anything this world has to offer will only make you more desperate and feeling empty if you deny for God to walk in the garden of your soul to tend to the deeper things. That is where we are to abide with Him. That is where we are to stay and surrender as He cuts away branches that are not bearing fruit. That is where we are to receive His tender love as He waters the soil of our hearts.
One of the facts that hits me deepest in the Bible is at the beginning of the Creation story. It says, "The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters" (Gen 1:2). This verse always brings about such curiosity and deep prolonged contemplation. If I am honest, I find comfort in this verse. Before I knew Jesus, I could easily be compared to how the earth was described...without form, void, and dark. In my soul, there was nothing there. It was lifeless. Breathless. However, God was with me and He was hovering over me in the deep. I picture the God of heaven and earth, hovering over the waters like a husband leans in slowly to kiss his wife with intention. I picture His breath so close that the even the smallest whisper of air rushed against the skin of the waters with gentleness to create ripples that we now call goosebumps on our own skin. And as I go back through my story, God was hovering the whole time. Wooing and pursuing for my heart to come alive. He was waiting in expectation for the moment when it would be manifested of what He had already declared over my life, "Let there be light."
Vulnerability was actually interwoven into the fabric of our DNA. Adam and Eve walked in complete nakedness together without sin. They saw one another--not just on the outside, but on the inside. They allowed one another to be fully known and they were committed to knowing the other. Because of sin, they saw their nakedness--I believe physically, emotionally, and spiritually they felt exposed and uncovered. This led them to hide and to make clothing out of leaves. God also asks in that account, "Who told you that you were naked?" What is interesting is that when God created them in His image, He never said to them, "Alright guys, I know you cannot really see it, but you are naked. Your butt cheeks are showing, but do not worry...I made them just right." Everything was good in the sight of God and they were satisfied in Him. Adam and Eve walked freely with God and with one another. In God's eyes, He values and honors vulnerability. He values when one of His sons or daughters chooses the road of being known rather than the one that wears the facade.
In the next week, I will be extending this blog into two other parts. Next, I will discuss why we should choose vulnerability and the last part will discuss how to lead from vulnerability. For today, I wanted us to see that it all began in how God created us and fashioned our hearts in His image. I also wanted for us to recognize that there is a war between our flesh and our spirit. We have to choose wisely by the grace of God to continually look deeper into our soul. God wants to father us today. He is tender and kind. He is sufficient for all of our needs. Take 10 minutes today to write down some of your habits that are leading to you to feel empty and not fulfilled. They lead to guilt, shame, or isolation.
That could be anything from drinking too much coffee, habitual masturbation, pornography, excessively buying things, etc. Sit with the Lord and ask Him why you are turning toward those things for comfort. Often times, there are deeper heart issues that have formed over your life like abandonment, rejection, never being enough, wanting power, and more. You may even need to go into a season of fasting from certain things to allow the Lord to tend, nurture, and free your soul. Fasting is more about turning your heart toward God through denying something tangible.
Be kind to yourself today. Open your heart to Him. Be honest first with Him and to yourself. You are dearly loved.
By Grace,
Cortney Rae