This unexpected blog post was brought to my heart a few days ago. It is something that I have wrestled with for a few years now. The tension between my failure and my growth leads me to write about the subject of premature promotion. When I use the word "promotion" I am not eluding to a hierarchy of status. I am simply stating that there is a deepening walk of leadership. In human perspective it seems that one goes up higher. I personally believe that God entrusts more to the individual who has come to die to self over a length of time. I do not have all the answers, but I do believe there is a need of practicality that can be given in fleshing this out.
Being Promoted Prematurely
At the age of 25, I left my teaching position in Columbus, GA to move to South Carolina to accept a full-time vocational position as the Worship Leader. Ask me now if I was ready. No...no way in hell was I ready. If you would have asked me at 25 if I was ready, I would have said, "Well, I feel called. I want to follow Jesus. I think this is a great opportunity for me. All I want to do is lead worship and people are encouraging me to do it in many areas of my life. Isn't that God!?" To keep this tragic part of my life short, let's just say that it would be three years of my life in which God would allow me to get to the end of myself. He allowed people, my deep-seeded sins, an institution, rules and bylaws, my decisions, and so much more absolutely crush me. Sound harsh? If it were not for His grace in the crushing, I would have died. However, in His mercy, I received that which I did not deserve: new life.
As most of you faithful readers know, my story is one of great failure, hiding, wandering, and pain. I must admit to you that my journey continues to be a story of failure and wandering along with growth and change. The difference of mentality and heart posture is this: "His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness." I trust that and I have to continually come back to Him in all my depths because He sees more clearly than my own eyes do. God has made one thing very clear to me which I wear permanently on my left forearm. It reads, "But by the grace of God I am what I am and His grace was not without effect" (1st Cor. 15:10). I am thankful for every place of wandering...for every moment of sin but not for the act of sin itself. No, I am thankful for the deep grace that I have experienced that has reached further than all my sin. I am grateful for my utter weakness and dependence because the power of God has manifested in my life. This is a day-by-day process.
Now, back to being 25 years old. As I said, I was promoted into a position that I was not ready for. In my denial, ignorance, and quite frankly, my immaturity, I took a position that on the outside, people thought made sense. I am gifted. I have many talents. I am creative, deep, and passionate. At that time, I had a ton of Biblical knowledge but no heart change. I was completely emotionally immature because I refused to look at myself and my own issues. I hated any type of authority who called out my ugly. I kept them at a distance and played the game of being a "good Christian". I lacked any sort of mentorship and leadership to teach me how to be self aware. My cycles of sin, abuse, generational sins of family structure, views of culture and how it had shaped me had not even been tapped into. I did not even know that those things existed!
I do not wish for anyone, especially this upcoming generation, to go down the road that I chose. My purpose is for this to be a gentle but firm writing to speak to leaders and to those who are called into leadership! The problem was not that I was not called...the problem was that I did not want to go down the road of preparation. When I use the word preparation, this is more than going to seminary, being ordained, taking a few Biblical Studies classes, and learning how to plan programs for a church. Our churches in America have built many internship programs to help equip students in this way. That is part of the functional process in a church. However, it totally negates and turns a blind eye to the process of intimacy with Jesus. I am talking about that which is deeper...hard...gruesome...and creates the deepest intimacy with Jesus. Heart transformation caused by the deep surrender to allowing Jesus to dig into the depths of one's soul. It is the work of the Holy Spirit's power in one's life. Research says that 36% of people cannot identify how they feel. We have gravely put more emphasis on what we do and and have avoided any sort of engagement with what is going on inside of us. If God is more concerned about our heart, how have we bought into the lie that neglecting our soul is okay?
Practically Speaking
To Leadership:
1. Ask yourself a question: Why are you promoting someone into a position?
Placing someone in a position concerning their gifts, talents, and passions does not mean that they are ready for the weight of leadership. Are you promoting an individual too early in their journey only to fill a need in your ministry? You might be turning a blind eye to what they need most: a season(s) where God can do deep healing, breaking, and refining. We are in dire need to be a generation of leaders who are emotionally healthy and spiritually mature. Spiritual maturity is not based on how long you pray or how much you read the Bible. Spiritual maturity is birthed out of the deep work of the Holy Spirit being allowed to go into the trenches of your soul. It is us working with Him and looking honestly at the deep brokenness caused by past pain, trauma, family brokenness, abuse, addictive tendencies and anything else that holds us captive. It is more about learning how to ask the question, "Why do I do what I do? Why do I react this way? Why do I not know how I feel? What is causing me to feel shame? Guilt? Anger? Hurt?
If God has not asked you to place someone in leadership, I would strongly encourage you to wait till you hear from the Lord. A good idea for someone's life without God's permission is a bad decision in the long run. And as a leader, you will be held responsible for that. If God is leading, there is unity, health, and clarity. It is not about having someone who has "arrived". It is about having people placed in position who God is anointing...not having people placed in position through man's ideas and decisions.
2. Ask yourself "how is my own soul doing?
If you are in leadership and have never gone to counseling and/or placed yourself in vulnerable places with others in leadership over you to pray, nurture, and be honest with you, my advice is to begin there. You may need a season of backing away from your "ministry". Please hear me: God asks us to steward our own body, soul, mind, and strength before ever stewarding/leading anyone else.
If your response is, "I cannot back away from my ministry", you might need to get alone with God and ask the question, "Why?" That which we hold with a closed fist often shows us where we are insecure, prideful, and reluctant to lose control. The Father leads us to repentance and His hands hold us with love and truth. He is God and He is in charge of His Church.
To the Ones Waiting:
Age is not the basis for waiting. I am almost 32 years old and am still "waiting" for God to work certain callings and promises into my life. I know what He has said to me in this season of my life... I also know what my heart is ready for and what it needs growth in. At this point, am I ready to take on a full-time vocational position in ministry? No, I am not. Will I ever go back into full-time vocational ministry? I have no idea! What I do know is that I need heavy seasons of remaining under leadership, counseling, and deeper seasons of intimacy with Jesus. Will those things ever go away in my life? God, I hope not!! I will need that till I see Jesus face-to-face. Seasons ebb and flow and sometimes we need deeper healing than other seasons. That is okay.
In my life, there are avenues opening up for me to lead out in things. God has given that to me. There are also other areas in my life where He is keeping His hand of protection on me--it is humbling, uncomfortable, and quite frankly, it sucks sometimes (laughing). Here is my encouragement to you:
1. Ask yourself the question, "Have I ever placed my brokenness in the care of a counselor, mentor, and/or authority and allowed them to ask hard questions in the spirit of love?
2. Do I have cycles of sin and addiction in any areas? (alcohol, pornography, control, inappropriate relationships, gluttony, etc?)
This does not mean that we "arrive". But there is definitely a maturity that forms in our hearts when we walk through seasons of breaking cycles of sin. If you have never been through one of those seasons, then please...I beg you...surrender yourself to God and leadership.
3. How do you feel about authority? Have you had bad experiences with that in the context of family? Church? Etc? Allow leadership to truly love you--and love does not look like only encouragement. It looks like truth in the context of compassion, humility, and love. If you run from people being honest with you, you might need to ask the question, "Am I loving myself by being honest with myself?"
A Closing Word
We are all on a journey and we are all becoming. I am becoming Cortney more and more each day--the Cortney that God destined for me to be. Who are you becoming?
I am becoming _______________. (insert your name)
My prayer is that you will choose the less beaten path of preparation. I pray that you are filled with the Spirit of God and that healing and wholeness comes to your life. We all need more of it! I pray that you will have the courage to be honest with yourself and with your season, wherever you are on your journey. I ask that the Father will keep you in step with His will for your life.
You are dearly loved.
By grace,
Cortney Rae